Confessions of an angry mind

Am  disgusted. My blood boils. I want to bring them down.

Their probing lecherous eyes. The way they size you up. The way I have goosebumps as I walk down an empty street. Never before have I felt scared.

The regressive mindset of people makes me want to go inside each of those minds & blow them out.

You talk about provocative dressing? Explain the 6 year old victim.
You talk about Bollywood culture? Explain the nudity abroad, where women move around fearlessly.
You talk about upbringing of the girl? Explain Bitti Mohanty
You talk about hanging only the serial rapist, so you will keep more than one life at stake to see whether the bastard deserves the hanging or not?
You talk about stopping girls from stepping out after 9, so you will quash the victim instead of the culprit??

Excuses will be many, fact remains, is our male population so base, that they can't keep their johnnys inside their pants?? Is 'Rapist' the default state of mind, that any dressing or gesture lets out the devil?

I have chased those who tried touching me. I have slapped one who bootychecked me. I have never shied away from teaching them a lesson. But Nirbhaya scares me. The feeling that those who wronged her might get off easily scares me.

 I WANT TO CUT THE PENISES OFF. Hai saare fasaad ki jadd yahi. Na rahega Bans, na bajegi bansuri.
But then, how many??

I WANT TO JOSTLE PEOPLE OUT OF STUPOR. I crave for a barbaric society, where the heads are cut off at any such crime.

I WANT GIRLS TO COME OUT & NOT COWER UNDER. I want us to have a pan india club, where any time anyone is in need of help, there is no dearth of girls. Gossip girls turn Toss-up girls.



I want to know how less it takes to shove it inside someone out of force & how vile I can get..how easy it is to stoop so low.......I WANT TO HAVE A PENIS, JUST THIS ONCE...

Diary of the 'deleted'

Oh yes..I am smart. Smart enough to know Google has answers to everything & I cared enough to google it this time- How to know if someone deletes you. And for the kid you think I am, deleting someone you proclaimed to have been so tight with, is sure mature! This might be an outburst of a kid, but who said kids aren't right. And yes, I FIGHT; fight for when it hurts me, fight when I can't tolerate wrong, even fight for You. Am sure that last bit must've easily skipped your mind. My temper is in my genes, & you don't deserve me if you can't see through it. My ego is my shield, & you don't break it, if you are not important. I cared enough to venture forth with you, and have the balls to face you everytime. And I still won't delete you, because now, I want to be stalker you never had!! *muahhhahahahahhh*

The curse of Goa

So what if I had dreamt of this long weekend since the start of the year & had an obvious choice for my getaway. The subset of people I wanted to go with was also decided, less one or two. So what if they had other things on their mind? People kept changing, the weekend drew nearer, with the only constant, THE GOA. Then it all came crashing down, with an innocent peek at their planning. And yes...someone wanted to surprise me there, so what IF I WAS THERE OR NOT!!! I did end up being surprised, in either case. Ek invite toh banta tha, but  A nonchalant shrug, A bickering later, we were past it. Or so I thought. I ended up packing my bags to Delhi, mere coincidence that it was HE only who got me through, or was he sealing his fate with me?? Someone had once told me- I am a bubble that goes boom at a prick of a pin. And I did blow up, in words of his, AGAIN. So after much tears, much hurt, and much longing...Life moves on. An unfinished affair to deal with, but it never stops to amaze me, how I end up being in the midst of this all.

Musing of the day- Mention Goa & my relationships go berserk. So, what is Goa- just an innocent   convicted, or the bitch who creeps up behind my back, on my close ones? And if I know this, and still let it happen, does that make me a fool?

I Wish....

It is said live life in a way, when you look back you have no regrets. As on 01.07.12, whenever I look back, scales tip towards the latter , almost touching the bottom!! & here I begin....retrospecting.

I wish I would've eaten my books up during the two most overrated  years of school life that make or break a kid's future, just to keep the bastards that scorn at my scores, shut.

I wish I were fair, in a nation of colour obsessed people, such that I could make men fall at the drop of a hat.

I wish I were more polite to my Momdad, who have many a times tested my patience, but have bore me for a good long 25 years, beating my score hands down!

I wish I had him now, than at the frivolous age when crushes happen at the blink of an eye, because seeing him now with another one 'like me in many ways' kills me.

I wish I did not have a flaring temper, which has made me many a people's bitch.


I wish I hadn't done my PG, which would've given me the luxury of  knowing a handful less bastards.

I wish my nerve would've failed me those sleepless nights where I carved a hell for myself & betrayed Their trust.

I wish....I wasn't that addicted to sleep, because I wanted  to pen down more regrets but just can't keep my lids up anymore.....

Ab ke saawan aise barse...

The view from my terrace makes me want to fly in the clouds......and so do the shit-overflowing streets. The sun's taken a sabbatical, the grey sky looms over like the cape of a devil, the good old smell of moist mud has turned into a stench, you can't look up at the sky without drops impinging your face like a thousand needles & relentlessly forcing your face down. The potholes are forever clogged, every time a vehicle passes you, you hold back your breath & wait for that dirty splash, the bottoms of your lowers are always wet & sprinkled with mud, the umbrella's always up. Where has the 'crisp' disappeared? Literally. Every biscuit or chips I bite into, tastes like dough. The crush turned into romance, & the romance is now fading away. Hmmm....reminds me of a story familiar. It's like Forks, but without the vampires, the werewolves, or the clumsy chick. And like I wasn't enough to decimate my gadgets that the wet weather playing best pals too. Thank you very much but I was doing an awesome job without much help, dearest Rains! Remember the good old times back in scorching Delhi when the pouring rains were the excuse to coming late, not anymore sir, no..because its just as regular here, as the morning sun & ofcourse, hot headed Sun ain't no excuse for dropping in late now, is it? The good side to the story- every leaf looking brand new, cool wind blowing across your face, the sight in far distance, where distinct drops mingle together like mist, seaside looking awe-rendering. Not to forget the trivialities like wet white shirts (wink!!) & low electricity bills. A photographer's paradise, a pedestrian's nightmare, indeed! 

The Stale Fresh

Do I like travelling or photography. Yes. Do I like capturing random moments on my reel or watching others unfold such candid moments? Yes. Do I appease myself by watching travel diaries, for my lack of travel? Indeed. Does a hot host add to the pleasure of pseudo-travel? A little. Does the hot host's desperate attempts to add the fun element spoil the fun? Yes. Do I feel the adrenaline rush when I see people sign on a near suicide note taking the blame on themselves if anything were to happen to them while jumping off cliffs with a rope fastened to their waists, or from a 40,000 feet high flying plane, with a parachute and an altitude meter? Hell yeah!!

Where do I turn to if I want to do all of the above? Move aside National Geographic, Discovery TLC or Photo galleries. Bollywood Flicks are here. Indian moviemakers have risen beyond the trivial storylines OR dialogues OR good humour OR 'the so-called 'inspiration' from the Hollywood blockbusters. Apparently, tijori ki chaabi is the Cinematography. Hire a foreign ace photographer, throw in a couple of method actors, offload a few songs on their 'unconventional' aka offkey vocal cords, don't forget to add the 'all ends well' bit & the audience is gushing about the simplistic beauty, the fresh appeal, the soothing music. The purpose of cinema is, ofcourse, entertainment, & seems like the Indian Audience is finally maturing to a new paradigm of realistic drama, where not all the people have a sense of humour or memorable dialogue or delivery. Is being 'Regular' the new unconventional or is it just a novelty waiting to turn blase? Or is it just another paradox: In the race to be different, all have become the same- Wannabe Differentiators.

Am I ready for such offbeat cinema....Not yet. I still seek laughter, or the goosebumps while watching a movie instead of watching a star studded documentary ramble on, reminding me of the money I blew up, for the same thing I could've watched back home, with a li'l less masala, & a li'l more liberty to switch the channel as I  pleased.

Interlude

I thought there was some
time, and again I realise this folly of mine
and forever's the years I spent
here, I say to you I will be
back, with a bang.

p.s.: Thanks Jo, for introducing me to the idea of word play ;)